When I’m not at a birth

Some of my most ‘successful’ doula experiences have been when I haven’t actually been present at a birth.

When I started out as a doula, I was terrified of not hearing my phone when I was on call, or missing a birth. I was also desperate to get some births under my belt and to get experience in the birth world. I had imposter syndrome: feeling unsure that anyone would ever want to have me present at their birth, but at the same time I was also clinging to the belief that they needed me! I needed to be needed at births for everything to go well. Then I would get more clients and be able to build my doula business. I wanted reviews from clients to say they couldn’t have done it without me, and tell the world how amazing I was as a doula.

Over the past few years I have grown and matured away from this mindset. Just as I heard God say to me when I was considering and resisting the call to ordination ‘But Helena, its not about you’, I have discovered the same in my doula journey. Doula means to ‘serve’. I am there to serve others- not for my own gain, but simply to serve. I am ordained ‘Deacon’ in the Church of England, which funnily enough, also means ‘servant’. I wonder what God is doing here…?

As a doula, some of my most successful and positive client stories have been when I wasn’t present at the birth. You see, my primary aim as a doula is to prepare and equip my clients (both the mother and the birth partner) so that they can confidently journey towards meeting their baby and have a positive birth and postnatal experience.

The first time I wasn’t at a client’s birth was during COVID lockdown restrictions. My client hired me as her doula to help prepare her for birth, knowing that her mum and husband were going to be present at her birth, and there were restrictions of having more people there. Therefore in our antenatal sessions, we were both fully aware that I wouldn’t be present at the birth.

The second time, I arrived at my client’s home, in the hour between baby and placenta arriving! There was traffic on my route to get there, and at first I was disappointed I missed the main event, of the baby being born. But it didn’t take me long to see what God had been doing, and how afterwards, it was really clear that my presence was not needed, and was actually more special without me. The couple’s older child was asleep in bed, when the baby had chosen to make a quick appearance. They knew I was on my way, and they were prepared for what to do if the baby made a quick arrival. As Muslims, it was important to call the Athaan prayer in the ear of the baby, by the baby’s Father. By the time I slipped through the door and up the stairs at 10.30pm on a cold January night, the prayer had been prayed, and mum and baby were happily sitting wrapped in blankets, with baby having her first feed. Talk about imposter syndrome! All was well, all was peaceful and quiet, and my presence had not been necessary. This was a ‘born before arrival’ birth, without midwives present. Thankfully all went well and my client and her baby were checked out a little later, and were able to stay at home.

Two further incidences of NOT being present at a client’s birth were when they were just in full flow of labour in hospital, that they didn’t feel the need to call me. They felt like they had good support around them, they were working well as a team, and they were quite happy to keep going, just knowing I was a phone call away if they needed anything. Being on call as a doula is an important part of the service, and sometimes just knowing they had full permission to contact me (and had already paid their full fee!) gave them the confidence and empowerment they needed to continue as a fully equipped and prepared team together.

Needless to say, it is a magical moment when I witness a new life enter the world. Sometimes I watch from a quiet corner of the room, but I will never get over the feeling of seeing a head, followed by shoulders tummy and legs slipping out. What a joy and a privilege it is to be there and to witness a moment like that.

However, I feel that my job is done when I have been part of setting parents up to succeed; equipped and empowered them with knowledge about physiological birth, provided them with tools to be relaxed and in the optimum state for giving birth, and preparing them for the early days afterwards too. Afterall, I’m not always going to be there with them and the moment will come when they are left in their house with full responsibility of this new little life! It helps immensely when they believe in themselves and have strength, courage and confidence to believe they can do it.