Journey towards Ordination

I am writing this out (end of Feb 2024) as a way of communicating and sharing quite a big section of my life, with family, friends (and maybe strangers if they’re interested!). I am aware that I may not have gone into much detail with many of you, or maybe you didn’t ask me many questions about why I embarked on this journey! But here is some of the story, which I hope you enjoy and find helpful, if you are trying to understand why I am choosing to be ordained in the Church of England. I can tell you now, it was not something I had in mind or had planned.

The first whisper of a call, April 2017

I was in a Sunday morning church service at Christ Church Clifton, around Easter 2017. The service was being led by a young female Trinity ordinand, and I remember feeling glad I didn’t have to do that…. And then all of a sudden, almost within the same thought, I heard this whisper in my mind:

‘Helena, would you do it, for me?’ 

I knew at the time, it was God speaking to me. That completely stopped me in my tracks, and I was so taken aback! I immediately started crying (we were standing singing worship songs at the time). Looking back I think I felt so emotional as I knew it was God, and I also knew I couldn’t ‘unhear’ the question I had just heard. It was a big thing, even though it was gentle, but it felt like a challenge and a new level for my relationship with God. I didn’t actually respond at all to the question at the time. It felt too big!

A few days later I spoke to my husband Chris about that moment. As we spoke together, he also told me that he had felt a nudge from God, the very same week as me, to begin exploring ordination. This made much more sense (to me, and to others!) and to be honest I felt some relief about this, as I thought ‘well if he ends up being a vicar, I won’t have to…’        (Haha, I look back at that now with a smile)

At that point Chris entered into the discernment process with Bristol diocese; attending meetings with the ADDO (Assistant Diocesan Director of Ordinands) and together with others discerning what his calling could be. He was in that process for over 2 years, before coming to the conclusion that he just did not feel called to it, and it was not the right path for him. During that 2 years, I let that initial seed question from God linger in my mind, but I didn’t dwell on it or think about it too much. I put it conveniently off, to some point in the future when it may need addressing. But I focused on the present; bringing up small children, and enjoying my church administrative work. I was also exploring training to become a doula, to support women to have positive birth experiences, and that felt much more exciting and worthwhile to me!

‘It’s not about you’

Just before Chris reached his conclusion, I remember one specific prayer time where again I heard God speak to me. I was praying with quite a lot of frustration and even anger towards God, about why He was making me think about ordination, when it was not what I wanted. But I had this sense, that when Chris stopped his discernment process, I would need to take on the baton and start my own. In this prayer time I was talking to God about all the other people I knew who would be much better church leaders than me. And telling him all the many reasons why I was the wrong choice.

The audible phrase I heard that time, which has rung clear in my mind hundreds of times since, was:

‘But Helena, it’s not about you.’

……

The Discernment Process

So, we began explaining to people that Chris definitely did not feel a call to ordination, but that I seemed to. This was a bit of a surprise for many, but I was put in touch with the diocese DDO (Diocesan Discernment Officer) and tentatively began meetings. I was extremely nervous every time I had to meet with somebody, and felt that somehow I had to prove my calling. But each time I felt listened to and heard, and it was a safe space to explore.

A few months into the process, the first COVID lockdown came in. My DDO offered a pause in the process and I leapt at the chance to put it all on hold and not think about it for a while. This was a part of my life that wasn’t particularly bringing me life and energy and was very much out of my comfort zone. So, I happily put it all to one side…. until God had other ideas a few months later. He sent 3 different people my way, prompting them to speak to me about my discernment process. Let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have thought about it on my own: I was enjoying the comfort of focusing on time with my young family, and exploring the doula world too!

Leaning back in

In May 2020 I led a zoom guided prayer session for my church, and it was after that that I had messages from three ordained friends who had attended it, asking how my discernment process was going. After the third one I listened and realised it could be a nudge from God to lean towards the process again. So, I reluctantly got in touch with my ADDO Mary again. I was more confident this time, and decided to be obedient and lean into it. I read the books I was invited to read, and reflected as much as I could. I found it fascinating hearing stories from others who had had similar callings and what it had meant for them. All our meetings were on zoom, and I made friends with others who were in the process too. As I made my way through the process (around 18 months in all) I began to think that this might actually happen. I had discussed my passions around supporting women in pregnancy and birth as a doula, and the people supporting me in discernment seemed to agree that the doula work should stay and was an important part of my calling. This helped a lot, as I didn’t feel I had to lay it all down.

The Sarum website

I was then asked to start exploring colleges, incase I was recommended for training, by the panel. I lived down the road from Trinity college, so this seemed the obvious choice. But I had also heard about another college in Salisbury, called Sarum. My good friend Erica had told me a lot about her experience there and that had stuck in my mind. I also knew they had a good part time course, whereas Trinity focusses quite heavily on the full time course. Anyway, as this was still in the COVID season of 2020, we couldn’t go and visit any colleges! So, we had to rely on the virtual open days, and the websites.

In short, as soon as I clicked on the Sarum website for the very first time, I got goosebumps, felt filled with the Spirit, and absolutely knew that was the right place for me!

After applications and college interviews (all conditional on a panel recommendation), I was accepted onto the 3 year part time diploma course at Sarum college.

The online ‘BAP’  - May the 4th be with you

I had my ‘Temporary Online Discernment Panel’ / Bishop’s Advisory Panel on 4th May 2021. This consisted of 2 interviews online, on one day. I was asked questions on each of the 9 criteria considered (I won’t go into all of those here, and the process has all changed since then anyway!) I was extremely grateful to have my BAP online- I can explain why another time if you are interested.

A week later, on Ascension day, I heard that the panel had agreed I should be recommended for training. By this point I was beginning to feel it might be the right thing, and was excited by the idea of going to Sarum to embark on this next stage of the journey.

Summer School 2021

I left my family for 6 days (the longest I had ever been away from them!) in the summer holidays, and travelled with Juliet who I had met online during the discernment process, and we had been together at almost every meeting and discussion group! I took a journal with me for the week, and tried to write and reflect on everything that happened. I had imposter syndrome, I couldn’t believe I had the opportunity to be there, and kept thinking they’ll soon realise it’s all a mistake.

 I absolutely loved it, and ultimately felt so at home in Sarum. And thus the next stage began…

3 years training- significant aspects:

·       Lee Abbey silent retreat (March 2022)

·       Hosting Ukrainians (March 22-July 23)

·       Leading and preaching in my church context. Holy Trinity Hotwells and St Stephen’s.

·       Academic study, writing essays!

·       Jobs at Project Mama, St Marys Stoke Bishop and St Mary Redcliffe

·       Decision to begin home-educating our 9 year old

·       Developing my doula business, online retreats and attending births.

·       Volunteering with Project MAMA

·       Hospital Chaplaincy Training

·       Leaving our church of 10 years

·       Approx 13 weekends (?!) and 3 summer schools at Sarum

Each of these points could have their own blog post (and may well do at some point) so I won’t try and explain each one of them here. But please feel free to ask me about anything that interests you! It was quite a full 3 years.

Coming into 2024… 7 years on.

And now all of a sudden I am drawing to the end of that wonderful 3 years of study and formation under the care and guidance of Sarum college, and my Training supervisors Frances and Kat. I am so grateful for all the time, prayer, support and encouragement I have had from tutors, peers, prayer partners, spiritual directors and supervisors over that time. It has truly been such a joy and I feel very emotional to be moving onto the next stage.

But as I look ahead with expectancy and excitement to my curacy, which starts this summer in South Bristol, I know that God has gently led me on a journey. This year of my ordination in Bristol cathedral is after a 7 year process of calling, pilgrimage, journeying and formation. 7 is a significant number for me and I believe this year is one of fulfillment and jubilee.

One thing I am very sure of, is that I could only have been led and guided through this process by the grace of God. I know I had to do each step in His strength and not my own. He has been so faithful through it all, and although I don’t know what’s to come in the future, I just need to keep looking at Jesus, and following him, step by step.

Curacy and the Future

On 30th June this year I am due to be ordained in Bristol Cathedral (30 years on from the first female ordinations, which also took place in Bristol Cathedral!)

I am very pleased to have a curacy arranged in South Bristol (at the time of writing I am not cleared to announce where exactly!) and this will be part time, so that I can continue working as a doula and also be present with my family with home education and general life. I am grateful for this opportunity- to be able to pursue the call to ordination whilst keep going with the other things that are very important to me. I am not exactly sure what my curacy will look like but I am looking forward to more learning, more experiences, meeting different people, listening to people’s stories and growing with others collectively in our relationship with and worship of God. I will keep trusting in God’s leading and try to keep listening to that still small voice, especially when the road ahead seems daunting.

Thank you for reading this far, and please ask me if anything is unclear or you would like to know more!

And…. Thank you too for all your prayer and support, in the past, present and future. I am really grateful.

Helena

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